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Feature article: Comma tally voo? Roughly translated from its original Pig French, it means "Do you, like most people, use commas incorrectly?"

Humor: Mangled proverbs What are they teaching in schools nowadays?

Tip of the month

Before we can move on, I need to amend last month's tip concerning the pluralization of proper nouns (i.e., names) that end in the letter "y." I got questions like "But Conan, what about words that end in 'i' or 'o'? What about a noun that ain't so proper, like 'attorney'? What then, o Great Grammar Genie?"

Okay, folks, listen up. Same rule we discussed last month applies--apostrophe  s  renders the noun, proper or otherwise, possessive. So it's not "two attorney's walked into a bar" but "two attorneys."

It's not "I had two Eggo's for breakfast" but "two Eggos."

Not "Dave drank ten chocolate martini's" but "martinis."

It's the same thing we talked about last month--placing an "s" after an "i" makes you want to pronounce it with a short "i"--mar - tin - is. In the case of both "i" and "o," you desperately want to prop up these lonely, meek vowels with an "e," don't you? Now, I know your motives are pure--because that's what you do with many nouns ending in "o" to make them plural:

potato(es)

echo(es)

hero(es)

tomato(es)

But plenty of others you don't:

pianos

solos

cellos

studios

stereos

And in the case of words ending in "i," you never add an "e":

broccoli

zucchini

spaghetti

salami

safari

tsunami

ski

alibi

(Interesting, isn't it--I can't come up with any English nouns that end in "i"--all of the above are in languages other than Limey.)

As a special bonus, below is a list of other things people get confused about when it comes to plurals:

1900s (not 1900's)

'70s (not 70's)

PDAs (not PDA's)

PCs (not PC's)

ISPs (not ISP's)

CDs (not CD's)

DVDs (not DVD's)

When in doubt, dear friends, consult your dictionary (no, really!) But never, NEVER use apostrophe  s. Or I will hunt you down with my Red Pen of Wrath and make you pay, do you hear me?

Comma tally voo?

Obviously, I can't tackle the entire subject of comma usage in one Conan, so we'll take it a bit at a time.  I swore I'd never do this to you, but I can't think of any other way to get my point across. I'm going to have to get a little technical this time.  Nothing to be done but suck it up and dive right in.

What does a comma represent in speech? Yes, you, in the front row with the bow tie? Right...a pause. Unfortunately, most people don't talk no more betterer than they write. Most writers toss commas into their writing like rednecks toss Uncle Ben's at a trailer park wedding. This will not do!

Comma rule number one: Joining independent clauses and verb phrases with a coordinating conjunction. Hey, wake up! This is important!

An independent clause is a group of words that contains a subject and verb and expresses a complete thought. This is commonly called a sentence.

Example: Chuck wore a white belt.

A verb phrase is a group of related words that does not include a subject.

Example: sported a puka shell necklace.

A verb phrase usually follows an independent clause and "borrows" the clause's subject, like so:

Chuck wore a white belt and sported a puka shell necklace.

Here's the common mistake: Most writers drop a comma in between "belt" and "and." WRONG! If whatever follows a coordinating conjunction (and, but, or, yet, so, etc.) has no subject, do not use a comma before the conjunction. Let it be written. Let it be done.

Now: if you turned the verb phrase into an independent clause by adding a subject, THEN you separate with a comma, like so:

Chuck wore a white belt, and he sported a puka shell necklace.

Think of it like this: Your verb phrase depends on the independent clause for life support (i.e., its subject). The comma cuts off the phrase from that life support, and it dies a writhing, painful death.

Conversely, when you've got two independent clauses, each having its very own subject and verb, imagine yourself as the bartender in a biker bar—the conjunction, if you will. Now imagine your independent clauses as two very large, very angry bikers, one a Hell's Angel, the other a Son of Silence. Now, the comma is the tire iron you keep stowed behind the bar. You’ve got to insert that comma between the first independent clause (the Hell’s Angel) and the conjunction (you), because that little comma is the only thing that stands between you and a full-tilt-boogie tavern brawl.

Can you see it? Remember it as if your life depended on it, because someday, it just might. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

We'll discuss more comma stuff after you've recovered from this outing.
 

Mangled proverbs

This may be a hoax, but it's funny anyway. My cousin Lois emailed it to me. Supposedly, a first grade teacher gave her students the first parts of well-known proverbs and let the kids finish them. They all seem pretty first-grader-ish, but if the last one was written by a six year old, it may be time to call in the social worker.

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