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Feature article: My cable guy's a proofreader too On this, the one-year anniversary of the first issue of Conan, we revisit one of my pet peeves.
Humor: Mangled proverbs II Words of wisdom well said.
Happy anniversary to Conan!
March is the one-year anniversary of Fun with Conan the Grammarian! To celebrate, Midge sent this photo:
Now, if this doesn't justify my existence, I don't know what does. I guess the Colorado Department of Transportation had to replace this sign to the tune of $1000. Thank you, Midge and CDOT, for this wonderful anniversary gift!
It's been a glorious year. Thanks for your support, and keep those emails coming, like the one Cheryl sent me after last month's issue:
Hey there Conan
Can you do a bit on double negatives? It bugs the crap out of me when people
say stuff like
I didn't go nowhere
I don't got nothing
I didn't do nothing
Dearest Cheryl: I am happy, naturally, to correct others' speech as well as their writing. Nothing gives me more pleasure.
So you out there -- when you use double negatives, you're saying the opposite of what you meant to say: I didn't go nowhere means I went somewhere. Now, don't make me get out my ruler and rap your knuckles. Cut it out and do your bit to lower Cheryl's blood pressure. I thank you.
Let's talk about indefinite articles, shall we? Specifically, I'd like to address some apparent confusion about when and where to use "a" versus "an." Think you know this one already? We'll just see about that.
I have noticed a disturbing uptick in the use of "an" preceding words that start with a long "u." Okay, you say. So what? Isn't that correct? Weren't we taught to always use "an" before vowels and "a" before consonants? Um, no. You weren't. You were obviously not paying attention if you write headlines such as this one, from America's Intelligence(?) Wire:
EDITORIAL: An U. Wisconsin student association anomaly
(This one's for you, Patty!)
Or how about this one, from a UC Berkeley Department of Electrical Engineering and Computer Science abstract:
We consider the problem of generating all maximal cliques in an unit disk graph.
Or this one, from a news release that simultaneously bores us senseless and inspires determined confidence in military contractor Boeing:
BSAS currently holds an U. S. Army Special Operations Command contract at Fort Campbell, Ky., providing integrated and life-cycle contractor logistics support to the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment. Products maintained for mission-specific support are the Chinook (Boeing) and Black Hawk (Sikorsky) helicopters.
And finally, a product description from Rubbermaid's web site:
Brackets come in several styles and add an unique flair to picture displays and collectables.
The one hard-and-fast rule regarding indefinite articles is that you use your ear instead of your eye to determine which one to use. To clarify: words and acronyms such as
unit
unique
U.S.
useful
may begin with a vowel, but the initial sound said vowel makes is that of the consonant "y."
Don't believe me? Read the above examples aloud and the grating, Yoko-Ono-like dissonance will drive home just how wrong it is to use "an" in front of a long "u." Always use "a" before words and acronyms beginning with the long "u."
Conversely, sometimes it's correct to use "an" in front of a consonant. No, really! Check it out:
an x-ray
an s-shaped curve
an m-theory paper
The point is, when it comes to indefinite articles, let your ear be your guide.
Hey! My cable guy's a proofreader too!
I just finished editing a charming memoir written by a gentleman whose mother grew up in a North Dakota sod house. He wrote his book as a gift to his brothers and sisters, and he's having it professionally published and bound. The final product will look great and is grammatically correct, so his family can concentrate on the content and not on the misuse of commas or the confusion of the words "then" and "than."
I was impressed that this man cared enough about his project to hire a professional editor, even though he's not seeking a readership other than his loved ones. Why is it, then, that people who should know better, people who write books for commercial use, routinely neglect this one little detail? Instead, they have their mother-in-law, or their mechanic, or their dentist who did really good in English in junior high edit their masterworks.
Two people whom I really respect, and whose work deserves to be read by a wide audience, recently released books with glaring punctuation, grammar, spelling and usage errors. And even more unfortunately, each profusely thanked his "editor," earnestly trumpeting the "eagle eyes" of same in the acknowledgements section. Both chose people who are either "good writers" or "good at English."
Look -- I know plenty of people who are good writers but whose command of the tools of writing (punctuation, grammar, spelling) are less than stellar. And having a general English degree doesn't qualify you to be an editor any more than having a general medical degree qualifies you to be a neurosurgeon, n'est-ce pas?
It's a fact that even the best editors and proofreaders make mistakes -- of course they do*. But their mistakes are mistakes of omission rather than ignorance. I'm not getting up on my rickety old soap box to bully you into hiring me for all your editing and proofing needs (although, ahem, you could do worse). I am, however, strenuously suggesting that you make the investment and employ a reputable, knowledgeable, professional editor/proofreader to make your magnum opus all it can be.
Okay. I'm done.
*Yes, I did it again, and yes, it's thanks to the unavailability of my proofreader. You may have noticed in last month's Conan I wrote
"I had to Eggo's for breakfast"
This is what happens when you proof your own work. I hereby vow that I will release no more issues without outside proofing. I hang my head in repentance and shame.
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
No matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
It's not what you wear; it's how you take it off.
You can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
We're responsible for what we do, unless we're celebrities.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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