This month's tip: When sports writing goes very, very wrong My kingdom for an editor! (Or at least a dictionary...)
Feature article: Passive voice part I You will be taught the perils of passive voice by me.
Humor: The most "misunderstood" punctuation "You" guessed it--"quotation" marks.
When sports writing goes very, very wrong
I was surfing America Online the other day when I came across the tantalizing headline Worst Sports Comebacks. I'm a sucker for this kind of thing, so I clicked on the link--and what to my wondering eyes should appear, but this gem of an entry:
12) Mark Spitz: Twenty years after winning seven gold medals at the 1972 Olympics and spurned on by a million-dollar offer from filmmaker Bud Greenspan, the swimmer seeked to qualify for the 1992 U.S. team. Greenspan filmed Spitz failing to qualify for a return to the Olympics.
Okay, I can almost forgive the spurn/spur confusion. It falls in the same category as the flaunt/flout controversy (which I intend to explore in a future issue of Fun with Conan The Grammarian). But... seeked? I mean, seeked? Where, oh, where was the editor? And where, oh, where was the dictionary?
Most of the time, I mind my own business, laugh and move on. But this time I was spurred to action. I sent a helpful email to AOL Sports pointing out the mistakes. You'll be thrilled (and amazed) to know I wasn't in the least sarcastic or snarky about it. And now, four days later (as of this writing), the errors remain. The only thing I can figure is that AOL Sports has either sent their writing jobs off-shore or subcontracted to Wee Cutie-Pies Preschool.
Moral: Employ an editor. Use a dictionary. End of lecture.
A lot of folks are confused by the concept of passive voice. (You see that? I started right off with an example.) Let's try again: The concept of passive voice confuses a lot of people.
So what's the
difference between active and passive voice? In the active voice, the
subject performs the action, as in "Zsa Zsa slapped the waiter," while
in the passive voice the subject suffers the effect of the action, as in
"The waiter was slapped by Zsa Zsa."
The tip-off in most offending sentences is a form of the mealy-mouthed
verb "to be." It worked for Hamlet, but for those of us who aren't
Danish royalty, "to be" can be the writing kiss of death.
There are several reasons that passive voice is so often used in business writing. (Or should I say There are several reasons people so often use passive voice in business writing? I think you already know the answer.) The first is that it's a stellar way of avoiding responsibility, a CYA strategy of passing the buck. Passive voice converts most sentences into vague, no-fault language that you can't quite figure out why it's so unsatisfying.
Example: The package containing the iron lung was lost in transit.
What does this sentence actually mean? "Our driver, Lance, forgot to close the tailgate on the truck. Your iron lung slid out the back somewhere on the prairie, so good luck!"
Another reason: to elevate oneself in a truly passive-aggressive manner with a little false modesty thrown into the mix. In one of my college writers' workshops, a student named Jane vilified a short story I wrote about a punk band with this cleverly written critique:
Several bands of this type are known by me, and none of them act in this manner...
(Of course, she also wrote "this writer's mind is so small she probably likes Norman Rockwell," but that's a story for another time.) What was Jane really saying? "Unlike you, I actually know and hang out with these bands, so clearly you don’t know what you’re talking about."
Passive voice usually produces fuzzy, ponderous, wordy sentences, rather than clear, concise sentences. Many business writers appear to be paid by the word, or at least get credit by the word. They seem to think that the more words they use, the more gravitas they ooze. But most of the time, passive voice, and its dimwitted cousin verboseness, makes them look pompous and self-important.
So whenever you see any form of "to be" (am, are, is, was, were, will be, has been, was being, etc.) pop up in your writing, stop and evaluate the sentence.
Now, you won't hear this too often, but there actually are circumstances in which passive voice is appropriate. I'll expound upon those in the next issue of Fun with Conan the Grammarian. In the meantime, don't get too hung up on completely excising passive voice from your repertoire, because your writing can become stiff and unnatural.
But use it the way you would cayenne pepper or Phil Collins CDs--sparingly and with caution.
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Misunderstood Quotation Marks (To linger over them all, go to the Gallery of "Misused" Quotation Marks)
The site editor's comments appear in italics below and to the right of each contribution.
I'm a programmer researching some
issues. This was in my inbox: Nope, all you need is a "shovel!"
At a University in my city
the following sign was posted on an outside wall: Good thinking!
This is from an adoption website.
This poor girl might be waiting a while: Sounds like a blind date I once had.
A few weeks ago, I noticed a
sign posted in my dorm: I'd be even more nervous if it said the injection would be administered to your "arm."
Someone where I work sent out this
update on food and office services: Yeah, you don't want to get "fat."
A sign at a restaurant in
Novi, MI: Geez, way to tip off the kiddies about the whole Santa thing.
This also a yahoo cool link, mind
you! i found it at www.3dom.com/worry.htm. [Curator's
note: this site now seems to be defunct.] It reads (and i
quote): Did I "say" that or just "think" it?
From the Editor's letter in
the January 1999 issue of NTexplorer magazine: Perhaps the editor was making an "unwitting" editorial comment.
Hockey great Bernie "Boom Boom"
Geoffrion signs his name thusly: It's true, see for yourself! I guess he's getting on in years and losing some of his "boom."
My first year law school class has
produced a class t-shirt with the following slogan
printed on the back: [Insert your own favorite lawyer joke here.]
Off a packet of English crisps
(potato chips to you): I wonder if that exciting copy is helping their "sales"? Every greeting card that I receive from my Aunt Joan and Uncle Bruce is addressed to "John" and signed, "Aunt Joan & Uncle Bruce." What do they think my real name is? And who are the cards really from? Somehow I doubt that this serial misuse of quotation marks by well-meaning older relatives will be eliminated in my lifetime.
Saw this sign nailed to a fence
on a country road in Southern Louisiana: It's probably that cheap oak veneer firewood.
I got this "auto"-reply e-mail
from Bizrate.com: Me too. Here I was thinking the e-mail was handled by some kind of robot.
Just about the only saving grace of
the onslaught of spam is the frequent misuse of quotation
marks found in the messages, although given the choice I'd
gladly forego the junk e-mail since there is no shortage of
misused quotation marks in the wild. Here's an example from a
spam message I received: Let's see, so her name's not really Melissa Stone and she can't predict the future. Check and double-check.
Sticker on the side of a diving
board: It's deep enough. No it's not. Yes it is! No it's not!
Saw this one on a freeway in
Houston:
And they're sure to finish "on schedule."
On one of our comment cards,
a customer wrote the following: Boy, talk about damning with faint praise!
This was on a homemade sign at a
flea market: At least they're clean! Note to AOL users: Don't adjust your set...the links above are not live because AOL has started stripping html links from email. There's nothing I can do about it, but if you want access to the links, go to www.ConanTheGrammarian.com/archives.htm and click on the appropriate issue date. Get mentioned in FWCTG! Send me humorous or interesting writing mistakes and I'll include them in a future issue.
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