newsletter 1107

www.ConanTheGrammarian.com ForGodsolovedtheworldDecember, 2007

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This month's tip: Me, Myself and I Direct to you from the Myself Decade!

Feature article: Fear not: Christmas letters Forget doctoral theses--Christmas letters are the truest test of intellect.

Humor: Warning labels You can't say lawyers have contributed nothing to society.

Tip of the month

Which of the sentences below are correct?

The contract was signed by the devil, Daniel Webster and myself.
She gave the Chia Pet to Grace and I.
I myself prefer liverwurst.
Joan and I made a suspension bridge out of Popsicle sticks.
Me and Craig rode the bus to the Hannah Montana concert.
Contact Vladimir or myself if you have any questions.
I gave myself an appendectomy.

Admit it: your order of preference for these words goes like this: myself stands at the top, I is a close second and you'd rather stick a fork in a light socket than stoop to using me. You think myself sounds more serious somehow. It seems more authoritative than little old me. It makes you, as a writer writing about yourself, sound like a detached observer. Right? Um, no. Unless by detached you mean pompous and confused.

I can't tell you how often I have to beat business writers over the head with my Red Pen of Righteousness about this one. They seem to view me as too short and humble-looking to be taken seriously, and that I appears cultured and patrician. Or is it conversely because it feels egomaniacal to use me? The problem typically arises when you're referring to yourself along with other people. (See the above examples.)

Now, I'm not going to go into some long-winded academic explanation of reflexives, objects, subjects and personal pronouns, because you're not going to pay attention anyway. And I'm just sick of that glazed-over look you get when I try to teach you something. So instead, I'm going to give you two simple tests to determine when to use each of these.

Since myself is the favorite, let's start there. Usually, the only time you would use myself is when you've used I somewhere earlier in the sentence:

4. I gave myself an appendectomy.

7. I myself prefer liverwurst.

Stop using it elsewhere. Now.

To find out whether you need to use me or I in a sentence, remove the other person from that sentence and see how it reads:

2. She gave the Chia Pet to (Grace and) I.

4. (Joan and) I made a suspension bridge out of Popsicle sticks.

5. Me (and Craig) rode the bus to the Hannah Montana concert.

See how easy it is? Use these simple tests to spare yourself (and me) embarrassments galore.

'Tis the season to send out annoying holiday greetings

Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of Americans like the prospect of writing Christmas greetings. I should know--as the family wordsmith, it falls to me each year to crank out a two-page missive that's engaging, informative and treads that fine line between connecting with friends and family--and smarmy bragging.

I have to admit that a few years I've skipped the damn thing altogether. This is because I try to make it entertaining and humorous. But if nothing funny has happened during the previous year (for us, 1992, 1998 and 2003 qualified) I end up sounding like Jack Webb (just the facts, ma'am) and I fear that nobody will want to read it. So the self-imposed pressure tends to build to Vesuvian proportions.

If you seize up like the Tin Man after a rain storm just thinking about writing holiday greetings, relax. Give yourself a break. As my gift to you, loyal Conan reader, I've put together a bullet list of Christmas letter dos and don'ts for your information and edification.

Don't take yourself too seriously. Unless you've won the Pulitzer, brokered a peace accord in the Middle East or donated a kidney to a third-world orphan, you're not that important. You're like all the rest of us--just a bozo on this bus. Tell about your accomplishments briefly and with the proper amount of humility and gratitude.
Be yourself. We like you just the way you are. If you're not funny, don't try to be funny because you think no one will read your letter if you're not.
Don't give us a minute-by-minute stenographic accounting of the past year. Just hit the highlights.
Limit yourself to writing about the immediate family, and keep the medical talk to a minimum. Nobody's interested in Great Aunt Agnes, and they definitely don't want to hear about her bunion surgery.
Go ahead and talk about your kids, but don't compare them to Stephen Hawking or Indira Gandhi or Beyoncé. Of course your kids are special. Everyone's kids are special.
Never use your holiday greetings as a marketing piece or sales letter for your business. It's bad enough that there's advertising at movie theaters nowadays.
If bad stuff has happened to you, it's a good bet that everyone on your mailing list already knows about it, so don't recap unless the story has a happy, uplifting ending.
As a corollary to the above point, your Christmas letter should be a beacon of hope and good cheer, a way of reaching out and touching others, a relational experience--not a self-indulgent catharsis for you.
Tell stories. People love stories. It's the best way to paint a picture of Life at Your House.
Proofread your work. Care enough to send your very best. Yes, it does too matter.

Warning labels

Our British friend Stephen L. Gilligan compiled these actual label instructions for your reading pleasure.

On Sears hairdryer: 
"Do not use while sleeping."

On a bag of Fritos: 
"You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." 
(The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: 
"Directions: Use like regular soap." 
(And that would be... how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: 
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." 
(But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): 
"Do not turn upside down." 
(Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: 
"Product will be hot after heating." 
(As night follows the day . . . )

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: 
"Do not iron clothes on body." 
(But wouldn't this save more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: 
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this 
medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents 
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those 
forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: 
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." 
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: 
"For indoor or outdoor use only." 
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: 
"Not to be used for the other use." 
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: 
"Warning: contains nuts." 
(Talk about a newsflash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: 
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." 
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's Superman costume: 
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." 
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: 
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." 
(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere? OH My........!)

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